Hey friends! I don’t know about you, but there are so many times in my life I’ve struggled with things that I never wanted to confront out loud. Not only because it makes it even more real, but also because sometimes we can feel so much shame about the areas of our life that we don’t take time to understand. I think that the enemy has two main tools especially in the life of women. I can only speak from my experience obviously, friends! But the first one I believe is shame. I’ve dealt with so much shame in my life that was completely fear based. For some of us, the shame may be because of our past… maybe our thoughts or guilt that we feel about something we’ve done. Sometimes our shame even comes from someone else doing something to you that you can’t control, yet you take the blame. Let me tell you friends, shame is absolutely NOT the heart of Jesus. It’s a tool to isolate and distract you from furious grace that you were born into. The second one (and the heaviest battle in my life) is loneliness. I cannot explain to you the hours upon hours of tears and questions and deep sadness that poured from my heart. Even as I type this, it’s so difficult to even put out there. BUT I promised you transparency in this space and that’s what you get. I remember the point in my life where I realized the sadness I felt wasn’t just a part of “teenage years” but an actual wound in my heart that needed to be acknowledged and dealt with. When I think back to that time and when I look at journal entries it’s so incredible to see how the lies from hell had completely submerged my mind in isolation. More than anything, loneliness was my only friend. It was my crutch, it was my claim to pain, it gave me a reason to live in the hell of quarantined oblivion. The nadir came when I lost all of my hope. Thoughts start to come like “nobody cares anyway”, “everything would be better without me since I can’t get anything right”, “I deserve to be alone so I can mess less things up”… When you start hearing these lies over and over again in your head, it’s consumed and then digested in your heart, and then baked into your core beliefs. These vociferous lies were so furious, so loud and disruptive. But it’s what I decided to believe. I don’t know if anyone has ever been in a season like that, or if you’re going through it right now. But I promise you – with heart and passion – the lies are lies. The truth is truth. SHAME is not intended to be a part of your story, nor does it need to be.
LONELINESS is a mind game from hell. Because well first of all, you’re not alone. You’ve got me. Hiiiiii! Second, you have the master of all friendship, closer than a brother, faithful and perfect. You have Jesus. Who, even if you’re not aware of it or WANT to be aware of it, is there. He doesn’t leave, you can’t play hide and go seek with Him. Even at your worst He thinks your lovely. And at our best, He only makes us better. Where pride ends, relationship can begin. I had so much pride in my belief that Jesus had completely forsaken me…I quietly mocked relationship because I didn’t experience it. When I gave up my pride and my bitterness towards myself, I met Jesus so fiercely. HE was always there, I just ignored it. Does that make sense? But like I said, as I can look back now from the other side and access – I realize now that it was the war of loneliness that did it. Because I had trotted down the trail of isolation, I quieted and disarmed any voices that spoke truth and life. I didn’t believe it. I was letting one rotten voice into my mind and when we do that we start to believe crazy things that aren’t even true!!
SO if you’re in a place where you feel like everything is against you, or like no matter what you do you can’t seem to feel present with others or Jesus… even if the room is full of people… please know you’re not the only one who feels that way and experiences that daily. It’s a real place and it hurts. But know how to identify a lie and defuse it. Call someone. Call me! Call you Father who wants to meet you at the zenith and the valley. You are loved.
With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. Romans 8:1